We use the word countless times in everyday conversation – (often incorrectly I might add).  But just try to get someone to define it.  What in the world is a “feeling”?  Go ahead…give it a go.  Did you use the Googler?  “An emotional state or reaction”, says Siri.  Ok, define emotional state.

I don’t mean to belabor the point.  Just want to point out that we use/overuse/misuse the word, or its derivatives, without understanding or thinking about what we’re meaning.

I’d like to offer a simple definition; one that I use when trying to explain this slippery concept to children.  A feeling is the combination of a thought and the physical reaction to that thought.

Some examples:

• Boss calls me in for a ‘talk’.  I think I may be in trouble.  My stomach suddenly starts hurting or burning and I experience shortness of      breath.  I “feel” afraid/nervous.
• Driver cuts me off in heavy traffic causing me to slam on the brakes.  The muscles in my hands, neck and stomach suddenly tighten.  My face reddens and gets hot.  I “feel” angry.

Have you noticed this recent conversational trend:  “I feel like that dress doesn’t really go with those shoes.”  Or, “I feel like we should leave by 7:00 to get a good seat.”  (I suspect the Kardashians started this linguistic error along with selfies and big fannys.)

If you can replace “I feel like” with “I think”…then you’re not expressing a feeling.

• “I think that dress doesn’t really go with those shoes.”
• “I think we should leave by 7:00 to get a good seat.”

Simplistic?  Elementary?  Unimportant?  Not in my world.  As a therapist, I am concerned about the fact that people are using fewer and fewer feeling words…moving further and further away from emotional awareness…and losing the critical ability to experience and express true feelings.  (And taking more and more anti-depressants.)

This is especially true for men, who grow up believing they’re only allowed two feelings – mad and horny.  It simply isn’t masculine,( they learn), to say “I feel afraid/lonely/sad/excited.”

When working with children we start with the easy-to-recognize feelings; mad, sad, glad and scared.  The goal, then, is to move them (and all clients) into a space of comfortable recognition and communication of the more vague, harder to grasp, feelings…bewildered, frustrated, hopeless, etc.

Why is all of this important?  Just sounds like more psycho-babble, doesn’t it?  (eyes rolling everywhere)

Well, guess what – (and here, my Friends, is where the toad squats) – We are unable to manage our feelings if we can’t identify and express them!  And if you’re not driving the bus, (managing your life), guess what is running the show.  Your anger.  Your pain.  Your depression.  Your hungers.

Thoughts need to “trump” feelings if we don’t want our lives to de-rail.  How about this:

Instead of:  “I feel like killing myself.”, try “I feel sad and hopeless.  I think I need to talk about this with someone.”    Or… “I feel like my head’s about to explode because you make me so mad!”, try “I feel furious.  I think I  need to go somewhere and cool off.”

Need help with this?  I’m a phone call away.

Take care of yourselves, please.

Pat