A recent study noted in a Huffington Post article said that 33% of married men, and 19% of married women are or have been unfaithful.  (If accurate, these numbers demonstrate a significant increase in infidelity over the last five years – due, at least partially, to internet technology which makes it easier to find and communicate with willing partners.)

Let me tell a story about a couple whose marriage did survive.  Mrs. came to me fifteen years ago in full-blown crisis.  Her husband had just confessed he was having an affair…and since he was admitting to the current one, he thought he might as well tell about the one he had several years prior.

 I’ll never forget the pain that filled my office that day, as Mrs. paced, sobbed, vomited and screamed that her marriage was dead.  Except …. she still loved him.  Still wanted him, and he wanted her.

It took two years of intense therapy.  Two years of some of the hardest work these dear people will ever have to do.  They had to dig with unflagging determination to unearth the causes of the infidelity.  Had to get into new spiritual space in order to find an ability to forgive and let go of old anger. Had to survive episodes of ‘acting out’ their pain…she with bouts of drunken rage in front of family and friends; he with demands for sex acts that were demeaning and disgusting to her.  How well I remember sessions when the only positive matters we could discuss were the dreams each had that sent messages of growing spiritual depth.  (For example, he had repeated dreams of old women surrounding him in a church.  Get it?)

They are still married – and doing well…these wonderful examples of survival.  They would answer with a resounding “yes” to the question that titles this article.  And so will I.

Here’s the thing:  Infidelity is not a problem.  It’s a symptom.  It’s a message – “There is suffering inside this marriage.  There are needs not being met, inherited beliefs about men, women, sex and marriage, communication deficits, anger, and fear…all combining to cause disengagement.”

Healing is waiting – through the ugly forest, across the bridge of forgiveness, in the beautiful meadow of loving our wounded selves and anguished partners.  I will walk with you on that terrifying journey.  I ask only the following:

• The affair must end…now, completely and in a way that satisfies your partner. I can’t do therapy with ghosts in the room.
• There must be a mutual desire to save the relationship. If it is apparent that the affair was the result of an ‘emotional divorce’ – one partner has already packed up his/her commitment and moved on – we will need to acknowledge that and move into divorce counseling.
• The offending spouse must be willing to endure his partner’s anger and take responsibility for rebuilding trust.
• The non-offending spouse will need to own whatever he contributed to the breakdown of the relationship and be willing to move through his anger to a place of complete forgiveness.

Blessings and peace to your hearts,
Pat